Right Thinkin

No matter what happens with my "Return to My Soul" plan, I am valuable, beautiful, caring, loving, and just as worthy as everyone else on this planet. Worthy to be loved, worthy to exist, worthy to feel peace.

My prayer to you Creator, is that I have peace. Peace in where I am now, peace in my journey, and peace in the fruits of it. Show me how to be grateful for all I already have. Show me how to be grateful that I can start anew each and every day. Show me how to be grateful for all successes, no matter how small they might seem to me. Because I know that you do not measure our worth or progress in the linear.

And show me how to love the double chin and the extra fat on my stomach until it is no longer needed.


Amen

2 More Days

Two more days til I start my 17 Day Diet. Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, to be brutally honest, I am fearful. Fearful of failing. I know this is just the wrong way to think. People tell me, "DON"T LIVE IN FEAR", intellectually I know this, so why is my "lower self" so insistent on thinking this way!!!!! ARGGGGGHHHHHHH! I am sick of "stinking thinking". I tell myself, just stop it! Stop thinking that way. Why can't I succeed? I am God's Child just like everyone else in this world. I have put some accountability in place so that I have some help when I start to get weak. I have made a reasonable plan. I CAN DO THIS!

The Measure of Success

How will I know I have made progress?

1. I want to feel peace about my "being"

2. I currently weigh 197lbs. My ideal weight is 161lbs.

3. I will be able to control my diet in a healthy way.
a. This means eating healthy 95% of the time with occasional indulgences on weekends only (2 days per week)
b. Never being too hungry or too full

4. I will be able to run or cycle or compete in athletic events I want to participate in

5. I will have more energy

6. I will feel more affection and love toward others (we are all connected)

MY PLAN

1. To include other people in my life again. To reach out for help and nuture my relationships

2. The Physical:
a. Accountability- I asked my Yoga Instructor, Sandra to hold me accountable to attend class 3 times per week, I am getting a partner to train for a road race.
b. Setting goals for myself- Doing Yoga 3 times per week, Training for public events. My first is going to be the Country Music Half Marathon, then after that, I am going to do a bicycle ride of some sort. Probably the How 100.
c. Loving my body- not getting too obsessed with the outcomes, no over training, listening to and respecting what my body can or can not do
d. Getting a complete physical and getting my hormones checked

3. The Mental:
a. Join Over Eaters Anonymous and work the program
b. MEDITATION

4. The Nutritional:
a. Work through the "17 Day Diet" and "A Course In Weight Loss"
b. Internalizing that these programs are NOT denying me anything. They are discipline strategies for me to love my body and myself!

5. The Spiritual:
a. MEDITATION
b. Stay in balance- Rest when needed but do not use it as an excuse when exercise is needed
c. Continue to study "The Course In Miracles"
d. Possibly find a spiritual community

6. The Financial:
a. Keep my job
b. Giving- raise my son, find opportunities to give love to others
c. Work on my photography skills

The Problem

The life I am living is not the best me. I want to have the Best Me back!

The End

I feel like a total screw up right now. I have no energy. I spend a lot of time lying in bed.

I have realized how critical I am with myself and everyone I love. I see the negative before anything else and I hate it.

I have put on about 36 pounds that restrict me from being what I want to be. I was in my element when I could physically jump around, run, play, compete, and stay active. The is what is in my soul and because of my weight, I can no longer be that woman.

I keep subconsciously sabotaging myself. I don't know why I do this, but for some reason I won't let myself succeed at getting back to the thin, active person I used to be. Every time I am "almost there", I get sick, or I get overwhelmed with work, or I get depressed, or I get an injury. My ego starts telling me it is ok to stop working out or to eat anything I want. I tell myself that I am taking care of me, that I am loving me. But then I end up back at the same weight I started and just as miserable or more so.

I fear having a breakdown or a debilitating depression episode where I won't be able to get out of bed. This is not as crazy as it seems because it has happened to me more than twice. I have had two breakdowns and I spent most of my 20s battling depressions that caused me to miss days and sometimes weeks of my life lying in the bed.

I beat myself up about everything. I used to be a perfectionist. For the most part, I don't live perfectly anymore, but now I just beat myself up about it. I expect perfection and since I am so far from that now, I see myself as a failure. This trickles over into my relationships. If people aren't perfect toward me I run. So, now I am mostly alone, because, guess what?, nobody's perfect. It makes it especially hard on my family.

So, now that I am very self-aware of my faults and short-comings, I have been doing a lot of spiritual study and growth and I intellectually know how I "should" be thinking. I should be loving myself and allowing others to be who they are and releasing control over things that I can not change. I have made a lot of progress in these areas, but I am still not at a good place.

I constantly obsess over my inability to function and find peace in my life.

I think I am crazy or I am as close to it as you can get. But everyone tells me "if you think your crazy, your not crazy. Crazy people don't know they are crazy." So let's just say I am a very self-aware crazy person! LOL

I am done with all this self-absorbed bullshit. I am tired of obsessing about how messed up I am. I just want to get on with my life. So right now in a moment of clarity, I can say that, but as this blog progresses, you will see how many times I revert back to my self-absorbed negatively obsessive ways. I am getting better, but I am a work in progress. It hasn't stopped overnight and I don't expect it to now just because I am starting a blog and taking some action steps to get myself back.

So, this is THE END. The end of self-pity, and crying about my situation. Spiritualists say we create our physical world and our reality. They say that it can only change from the eternal place inside us called the SOUL. So I am on a journey to Return to My Soul.