The End

I feel like a total screw up right now. I have no energy. I spend a lot of time lying in bed.

I have realized how critical I am with myself and everyone I love. I see the negative before anything else and I hate it.

I have put on about 36 pounds that restrict me from being what I want to be. I was in my element when I could physically jump around, run, play, compete, and stay active. The is what is in my soul and because of my weight, I can no longer be that woman.

I keep subconsciously sabotaging myself. I don't know why I do this, but for some reason I won't let myself succeed at getting back to the thin, active person I used to be. Every time I am "almost there", I get sick, or I get overwhelmed with work, or I get depressed, or I get an injury. My ego starts telling me it is ok to stop working out or to eat anything I want. I tell myself that I am taking care of me, that I am loving me. But then I end up back at the same weight I started and just as miserable or more so.

I fear having a breakdown or a debilitating depression episode where I won't be able to get out of bed. This is not as crazy as it seems because it has happened to me more than twice. I have had two breakdowns and I spent most of my 20s battling depressions that caused me to miss days and sometimes weeks of my life lying in the bed.

I beat myself up about everything. I used to be a perfectionist. For the most part, I don't live perfectly anymore, but now I just beat myself up about it. I expect perfection and since I am so far from that now, I see myself as a failure. This trickles over into my relationships. If people aren't perfect toward me I run. So, now I am mostly alone, because, guess what?, nobody's perfect. It makes it especially hard on my family.

So, now that I am very self-aware of my faults and short-comings, I have been doing a lot of spiritual study and growth and I intellectually know how I "should" be thinking. I should be loving myself and allowing others to be who they are and releasing control over things that I can not change. I have made a lot of progress in these areas, but I am still not at a good place.

I constantly obsess over my inability to function and find peace in my life.

I think I am crazy or I am as close to it as you can get. But everyone tells me "if you think your crazy, your not crazy. Crazy people don't know they are crazy." So let's just say I am a very self-aware crazy person! LOL

I am done with all this self-absorbed bullshit. I am tired of obsessing about how messed up I am. I just want to get on with my life. So right now in a moment of clarity, I can say that, but as this blog progresses, you will see how many times I revert back to my self-absorbed negatively obsessive ways. I am getting better, but I am a work in progress. It hasn't stopped overnight and I don't expect it to now just because I am starting a blog and taking some action steps to get myself back.

So, this is THE END. The end of self-pity, and crying about my situation. Spiritualists say we create our physical world and our reality. They say that it can only change from the eternal place inside us called the SOUL. So I am on a journey to Return to My Soul.