BEST DAY

Maybe, possibly, I am attracting better energy!!!! I am so excited by this because I didn't expect anything today. I really woke up just thinking it would be like always, nothing special.

When I got to school, Maria Garcia gave me a balloon and a rose! Then I got candy, and cards from other students as well. I never get things from my students for Valentine's Day. Also, Max bought me a carnation!!!! These little things made me feel SO GOOD. Loved. I am so grateful for them.

Then, Jonathan came all the way to Cool Springs to give me a Valentine Bag full of thoughtful goodies. We have only been on two dates!!! He was so thoughtful. I was very impressed. Spencer sent me a really nice text as well, which I did not expect.

In my past, I have cried and felt sorry for myself because no one was giving me anything and I was lonely. "Poor poor me" I sort of focused on that. This year, I didn't feel like I "needed" anything to validate me. I didn't feel lonely or lacking and guess what??? I have been flooded with thoughtfulness from the people I care most about. Funny how all that works. Its amazing.

I also sent out V Day texts to everyone I care about and told them so.

So, for me, today was a victory. A validation in positive energy. Namaste.

TRUTHS

So, today I admitted a truth to myself and it made me lose control and start crying right in the middle of one of my classes. Luckily for me, they were doing yoga to a video and I could sit in the back and have my breakdown.

I admitted to myself that I don't love people. Isn't that sad. I can say I honestly love Max and maybe my best friend and one man who I can't be with. The only reason I think I might love my friend and the man is because of all the love they have shown me. This saddened me so much to realize. My family, my co-workers, my other friends, my students, I am indifferent to. What the hell is that? Who feels this way, really. I grieve my old self, because there was a time when I loved, loved, loved people. I truly did. I wanted to talk to them, hang out with them, get to know new people, have fun with them, share. But now, especially in the mornings, I am a big dud. I just want to be alone.

It is now 8:40 in the evening as I am transposing all this to my blog. The disturbing thing is that I went to workout and now I am feeling more love feelings toward my friends, family, co-workers, and students. Is it because the endorphins were released from exercise? Maybe my attitudes and feelings are altered chemically. Maybe this is another form of depression that gets better as the day goes on. I don't know, but it is scary, very scary. It is daunting to me how my whole perception of life and truth can be so different from moment to moment and day to day. I can't trust my mind. It is horrifying that I can't trust my mind.

I want to be loving. I want to be light. I have been on this spiritual journey to learn to love better. Sometimes, some days, I don't feel any better. I feel even more indifferent and could care less.

I really want this to end. I just don't know what to do. One thing is for sure, I have to stay on my eating and exercise plan because at least they give me some up times.

LIES

I am tripping out. I am starting to imagine anything I need to to eat more. Tonight, I swear I am hungry. My stomach growls, I feel empty and I want to eat. So I go and eat half a chicken breast AFTER I have had all my planned meals for today.

Actually, I didn't really stick to a plan today. I tried to change it up.

First: I didn't have time to eat breakfast so I ate a banana

banana: 110

Second: I had cream of chicken soup for lunch. I am supposed to only eat broth-based soup. I also had two slices of toast with a little butter

Third:

For a snack, I had a chicken breast because I was hungry

Fourth:

For dinner I ate a 1.5 cups of cereal and fat-free milk

Fifth:

I went for coffee with a friend and had a 140 calorie fat free latte

Sixth:

I was very hungry when I got home so I ate two baked chicken wings

I was still hungry so I ate 1/3 cup of trail mix

Later, I was still hungry so I ate 1/2 a chicken breast.

Ok, I went and added up all the calories for today and it was 1400. Why am I not losing weight???????????????? That is not a lot of calories and I haven't even been eating that much on previous days!!!!!! I am so frustrated. It must be my hormones. I can't wait to get them checked out. This is so frustrating to me! UGGGGGHHHHHH

YOGA

I love Hot Yoga. I have been going to Hot Yoga almost a year now and it is amazing. I am getting more and more flexible, patient, and centered. It has shown me that over time, I can change my body.

I am inches away from touching my forehead to the floor on wide-leg forward bend and I can taste it. The last two classes I have been very strong and it makes me very happy.

FRUSTRATION

I haven't lost any weight in two weeks. I am not overeating or cheating. I think the problem is that I added carbs back into my eating plan. Just like the 17 day diet said, I added in the carbs. I am probably gaining some muscle mass too. But it is just so frustrating. One morning I woke up and had put back on 5 pounds!!! Usually, I would have given up but that isn't an option anymore. I am succeeding at not eating compulsively, giving up sweets, and feeling much more healthy. So, I carried on. Now, I am back down 2 pounds. Still 3 pounds over my lowest. I will just keep plugging it out. My main focus is to stop the overeating. The lost weight will come.

HOLIDAY

THE END OF PHASE 1, THE FIRST 17 DAYS!!!!!!!! I have lost 13.2lbs so far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited to add some whole grains to my diet and some more veggies. That is what I get to change for the next 17 days. Tomorrow morning I am having oatmeal and I CAN'T WAIT!

So happy I didn't have to work today. I took my best friend to a movie and to dinner for her birthday. I am so grateful to have such a good friend who has been there for me. I love you Rae and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I did really well at the restaurant. I only had a few bites of corn chowder, other than that, I stayed on my eating plan. I had a diet coke for the first time tonight. Hadn't had one in 17 days and it was SO GOOD. I can have them on my plan, but I am only going to have them on special occasions so that I don't over do them. They can't be good for me.

VICTORY

So this guy starts calling me, right. He is a little rough around the edges but I am lonely so I am playing along. Last night he totally wigged out. In the past I would have tried to resolve everything. But this is a guy not worth resolving. He is selfish, self-centered, and he is not logical. I do not need any of that drama and now, I recognize it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Huge breakthrough for me, HUGE! I could let it go and the feeling inside of me was not of loss. I felt completely ok. I mean my life is good enough, and for the first time, I like myself enough to not try to do everything in my power to cater to this crazy guy. I know most of you think that is stupid and who in her right mind caters to crazy guys, but I did. I wanted to be loved so much, that I let crazy men into my life and would kill myself trying to make it make sense. So today I am thanking God and myself for my growth in loving myself and not settling for crap.

Also, today is TWO WEEKS on my eating plan and I have lost a total of 12.4 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My energy is getting better, so I am very grateful today to God, OA, and to my own soul for some significant breakthroughs.