TRUTHS

So, today I admitted a truth to myself and it made me lose control and start crying right in the middle of one of my classes. Luckily for me, they were doing yoga to a video and I could sit in the back and have my breakdown.

I admitted to myself that I don't love people. Isn't that sad. I can say I honestly love Max and maybe my best friend and one man who I can't be with. The only reason I think I might love my friend and the man is because of all the love they have shown me. This saddened me so much to realize. My family, my co-workers, my other friends, my students, I am indifferent to. What the hell is that? Who feels this way, really. I grieve my old self, because there was a time when I loved, loved, loved people. I truly did. I wanted to talk to them, hang out with them, get to know new people, have fun with them, share. But now, especially in the mornings, I am a big dud. I just want to be alone.

It is now 8:40 in the evening as I am transposing all this to my blog. The disturbing thing is that I went to workout and now I am feeling more love feelings toward my friends, family, co-workers, and students. Is it because the endorphins were released from exercise? Maybe my attitudes and feelings are altered chemically. Maybe this is another form of depression that gets better as the day goes on. I don't know, but it is scary, very scary. It is daunting to me how my whole perception of life and truth can be so different from moment to moment and day to day. I can't trust my mind. It is horrifying that I can't trust my mind.

I want to be loving. I want to be light. I have been on this spiritual journey to learn to love better. Sometimes, some days, I don't feel any better. I feel even more indifferent and could care less.

I really want this to end. I just don't know what to do. One thing is for sure, I have to stay on my eating and exercise plan because at least they give me some up times.