TRUTHS

So, today I admitted a truth to myself and it made me lose control and start crying right in the middle of one of my classes. Luckily for me, they were doing yoga to a video and I could sit in the back and have my breakdown.

I admitted to myself that I don't love people. Isn't that sad. I can say I honestly love Max and maybe my best friend and one man who I can't be with. The only reason I think I might love my friend and the man is because of all the love they have shown me. This saddened me so much to realize. My family, my co-workers, my other friends, my students, I am indifferent to. What the hell is that? Who feels this way, really. I grieve my old self, because there was a time when I loved, loved, loved people. I truly did. I wanted to talk to them, hang out with them, get to know new people, have fun with them, share. But now, especially in the mornings, I am a big dud. I just want to be alone.

It is now 8:40 in the evening as I am transposing all this to my blog. The disturbing thing is that I went to workout and now I am feeling more love feelings toward my friends, family, co-workers, and students. Is it because the endorphins were released from exercise? Maybe my attitudes and feelings are altered chemically. Maybe this is another form of depression that gets better as the day goes on. I don't know, but it is scary, very scary. It is daunting to me how my whole perception of life and truth can be so different from moment to moment and day to day. I can't trust my mind. It is horrifying that I can't trust my mind.

I want to be loving. I want to be light. I have been on this spiritual journey to learn to love better. Sometimes, some days, I don't feel any better. I feel even more indifferent and could care less.

I really want this to end. I just don't know what to do. One thing is for sure, I have to stay on my eating and exercise plan because at least they give me some up times.

LIES

I am tripping out. I am starting to imagine anything I need to to eat more. Tonight, I swear I am hungry. My stomach growls, I feel empty and I want to eat. So I go and eat half a chicken breast AFTER I have had all my planned meals for today.

Actually, I didn't really stick to a plan today. I tried to change it up.

First: I didn't have time to eat breakfast so I ate a banana

banana: 110

Second: I had cream of chicken soup for lunch. I am supposed to only eat broth-based soup. I also had two slices of toast with a little butter

Third:

For a snack, I had a chicken breast because I was hungry

Fourth:

For dinner I ate a 1.5 cups of cereal and fat-free milk

Fifth:

I went for coffee with a friend and had a 140 calorie fat free latte

Sixth:

I was very hungry when I got home so I ate two baked chicken wings

I was still hungry so I ate 1/3 cup of trail mix

Later, I was still hungry so I ate 1/2 a chicken breast.

Ok, I went and added up all the calories for today and it was 1400. Why am I not losing weight???????????????? That is not a lot of calories and I haven't even been eating that much on previous days!!!!!! I am so frustrated. It must be my hormones. I can't wait to get them checked out. This is so frustrating to me! UGGGGGHHHHHH

YOGA

I love Hot Yoga. I have been going to Hot Yoga almost a year now and it is amazing. I am getting more and more flexible, patient, and centered. It has shown me that over time, I can change my body.

I am inches away from touching my forehead to the floor on wide-leg forward bend and I can taste it. The last two classes I have been very strong and it makes me very happy.

FRUSTRATION

I haven't lost any weight in two weeks. I am not overeating or cheating. I think the problem is that I added carbs back into my eating plan. Just like the 17 day diet said, I added in the carbs. I am probably gaining some muscle mass too. But it is just so frustrating. One morning I woke up and had put back on 5 pounds!!! Usually, I would have given up but that isn't an option anymore. I am succeeding at not eating compulsively, giving up sweets, and feeling much more healthy. So, I carried on. Now, I am back down 2 pounds. Still 3 pounds over my lowest. I will just keep plugging it out. My main focus is to stop the overeating. The lost weight will come.

HOLIDAY

THE END OF PHASE 1, THE FIRST 17 DAYS!!!!!!!! I have lost 13.2lbs so far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited to add some whole grains to my diet and some more veggies. That is what I get to change for the next 17 days. Tomorrow morning I am having oatmeal and I CAN'T WAIT!

So happy I didn't have to work today. I took my best friend to a movie and to dinner for her birthday. I am so grateful to have such a good friend who has been there for me. I love you Rae and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I did really well at the restaurant. I only had a few bites of corn chowder, other than that, I stayed on my eating plan. I had a diet coke for the first time tonight. Hadn't had one in 17 days and it was SO GOOD. I can have them on my plan, but I am only going to have them on special occasions so that I don't over do them. They can't be good for me.

VICTORY

So this guy starts calling me, right. He is a little rough around the edges but I am lonely so I am playing along. Last night he totally wigged out. In the past I would have tried to resolve everything. But this is a guy not worth resolving. He is selfish, self-centered, and he is not logical. I do not need any of that drama and now, I recognize it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Huge breakthrough for me, HUGE! I could let it go and the feeling inside of me was not of loss. I felt completely ok. I mean my life is good enough, and for the first time, I like myself enough to not try to do everything in my power to cater to this crazy guy. I know most of you think that is stupid and who in her right mind caters to crazy guys, but I did. I wanted to be loved so much, that I let crazy men into my life and would kill myself trying to make it make sense. So today I am thanking God and myself for my growth in loving myself and not settling for crap.

Also, today is TWO WEEKS on my eating plan and I have lost a total of 12.4 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My energy is getting better, so I am very grateful today to God, OA, and to my own soul for some significant breakthroughs.

Lost: 10.8lbs

Trying to get to the end of the first 17 days. 4 days to go.

Energy level is SO MUCH BETTER. My mood is better too. Awesome.

PROGRESS

Ok, this is awesome. In the past 10 days, these things have happened to me:

I have lost 9.6 pounds and I do believe if I hadn't had 2 glasses of wine Saturday night, it would have been 11 pounds because it was 11 pounds Sat morning!!! This is still great. Because I have to remember, it isn't a number race, I am trying to change my lifestyle. I am allowed wine, but my guide did say that it would slow down my progress. Not sure I want to have any wine this week, because I really like losing weight fast!

I have been able to resist my cravings for sugar and the urge to eat just for the fun of it, or when I am stressed about something. I haven't cheated on my diet not even one bite. I sat and watched friends eat wings and fries, I cooked my son fried okra, and I sat with him during a movie while he munched on popcorn. It wasn't easy at times, but it wasn't that hard either. I feel like the powers of the universe have given me strength because I submitted to Him, admitted I could not do it myself, asked for help, and turned it over to Him.

I worked out ALL of my planned days last week!!!! I WANTED to go! So, even though I don't have the energy levels I am aiming for yet, I have more energy than I did before.

Losing all that weight has given me hope. I needed that so much!

And, I met a guy I like and I am attracted to. Not sure if he is long-term relationship material, but he is going to be great to kick it with right now.

WEAK

I felt so weak today. Like I could just fall over. I was tired and my yoga practice was very weak. Probably still detoxing.

Hang in there.

Day 7 already. Tonight I just wanted to entertain myself with some sweet food. I resisted. Don't understand all that. Will have to add that to the list of things to talk to a sponsor about.

9 POUNDS!

YEP, 9 pounds in 6 days! Very very happy about that.

What I have learned in 6 days without the option of sugar or processed food:
a. I really do eat for pleasure, to ease transitions, for comfort, to relieve stress
b. I want to eat at times that I am not even hungry
c. I am a sugar addict
d. I am a compulsive eater, definitely. I have known this all along, but finally able to admit it

I can't wait to go to another OA meeting. I need a sponsor, like yesterday. I have felt the urge to eat sweets a couple times this week and it was when I saw deserts and when I was transitioning from one activity to another in my day. So, I need someone to help me with this. I also want to ask them, "Does this mean I will NEVER get to eat cheesecake anymore in my life?" and for the first time ever, if they say "no" then I am willing to strive for that because I want to be well bad enough to even give up cheesecake.

My son made the A/B Honor Roll today! First time ever. I am so proud of his little self, I don't know how to show it!

Having insomnia tonight. Don't know why. Isn't eating right supposed to give you more energy and better sleep? Well, that part hasn't kicked in yet. I think I might still be going through withdrawals because my headaches, while not as bad, still pop up occasionally.

OH SHIT!

Wow, I have a follower! Welcome my new friend. : ) That sort of freaks me out! But for some reason, I feel compelled to just keep going and being real and honest. I am being REALLY honest. Putting nude photos of my fat body on the internet is crazy! But, I want to start being true to myself. I think the body is beautiful, God's creation. There is nothing cheap or sleazy about the human body, mine included. I am learning to love myself and it starts by being able to love all of me. Seeing myself naked in a photo gives me a bit more perspective on my body image. I don't look near as bad as I thought I did. And if I don't compare myself to people who do a lot of unhealthy things to be thin, then I can appreciate my body as it is. I really do feel I have almost gotten where I want on my body image thinking. I can love who I am at this size.

My struggle is mainly how to surrender to my addiction and accept that reality, let God heal me, and continue to always seek accountability.

Speaking of struggle, I was feeling very bored with my food choices for today. Already bored with the food. BUT, maybe some boredom is exactly what I need! I don't even care about the food I eat. I just want to feel good moving around through the day and I felt that today. No headache today.


I jogged two miles today. It was ugly-slow, but I did it. In fact, it was way easier than I thought it was going to be. That felt really good.

Today was a good day. Day 4

I GOT A SIGN

I went to an Overeaters Anonymous Meeting today. It was good and it was bad. About 90% of the class was over and I started getting these urges that I just couldn't take it. I wanted to leave. I didn't want to hear anymore of the same stuff I have always heard. Nothing was new and a lot of the things people were talking about discovering I have already discovered. But, I realize that just discovering them isn't enough. I need community. I need other people. So, getting to know these people isn't going to be easy or fun for me, but in the end, I think it will be rewarding and probably the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I also went to hot yoga today. I have only been on my eating plan 30 hours and my yoga practice has already improved. I am not sure whether it is the placebo effect or what, but the poses felt easier. I felt lighter. No sugar in my system to poison me and pull me down. Looking in the mirror, my skin even seemed to glow. I felt strong. Now, of course with yoga, every day is different, so I might have just been having one of my good days. It will be interesting to see in the coming weeks what happens with my yoga practice. I did ALL the poses.

When I got home from yoga, I experienced this euphoric feeling like I have never had before. I think I was having a premonition of how fantastical my life can be if I don't poison myself. I can fly. I can do anything. That is what I was feeling. It almost brought me to tears because I really can not remember ever EVER having a feeling of such power. So, I don't know what is happening to me, if anything. It could just be a one moment high. But I really liked it. If I can have that feeling, then I can really give up sugar!

Two days abstinent from compulsive overeating.

HEADACHES

Getting headaches. And having sugar withdrawals. They started about 8 hours into my first day yesterday. I am sort of shocked at the quickness and severity of these symptoms. I must have been having way more sugar and caffeine than I thought. Of course my diet has been a free-for-all for over a year now. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

FIRST DAY

SPIRITUALITY
Marrianne Williamson says that in order for the fat to go away, I must first learn to love this "Not Thin Me". She says there is a reason this "Not Thin Me" exists. Through my prayer and meditation, I have come to believe that "Not Thin Me" is here to tell me that I still haven't "got it right". I am still not choosing love over fear. I have prayed all my life to be closer to God, to be my best self, to live God's purpose for me. So, until I "get it", God is not going to let me rest. If I had everything I wanted, I might not keep seeking. So, I believe this "Not Thin Me" will release itself from me when I learn to live in love and not fear.


THE METHOD: My Eating Plan
Ok, the hot lemon water first thing in the morning is going to be a struggle. I really hated it! But I think the lesson I am supposed to be learning is NOT to make decisions about my eating. I am a compulsive overeater and I do not have control over this part of my life. So, hot lemon water for me!!!!!

I spent two hours in the kitchen preparing some healthy foods. My breakfast and lunch were very tasty and very satisfying today. Of course today is the first day, so lets see how I feel about that in a few days. LOL